Denise's Blueberry Patch

Down but not out!

Last January I ramped up my goals and decided to post on my blog once a week. For those of you who come by every Monday or Tuesday to check in, you know I’ve failed miserably in the past few months. I’ve not been gazing at my naval, though, at least not the entire time.

For starters, I picked up a part-time job ghost writing. A public speaker/business consultant tried me out for a transcription project, and after a few of those had me try my hand at writing white papers. It has been a lot of fun to take a speech, deconstruct it, and put it back into a readable article. I’ve done three so far, and there are more in the pipeline. It's temporary. Please pray with me that it will turn into a steady stream of income for us, or that it will lead to other opportunities. I know everyone everywhere is feeling the global economic pinch, which for many is more like a wet dishrag being wrung out.

But it is good for me to draw near to God: I have put my trust in the Lord GOD, that I may declare all thy works. Psalm 73:28

In our case, we had to take a fresh look at what’s possible and what God would have us to do with our time and talents. I don’t know any other missionary wives who work (for money), and my hope is that I won’t have to do this forever, but God knows best. We are a unique family and in a unique position, so trust the Lord to direct us in the way He would have us go. As much as I enjoy writing, and getting paid for it, it takes time away from family. I wish the economy would miraculously recover, that property, mutual funds and USD value would go through the roof, that we could sell our apartment and breath a little more freely.

Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content. Philippians 4:11

I get it, Lord, I really do. If it weren’t for the recession, I would never have experienced the zillion things it has forced us to go through, and learn from. So we’re all grateful here for everything God is doing and will continue to do. It puts us on the same playing field as many of the people we minister to, and therefore we are much more able to empathize and see what people really need. We are truly content! Just trying to stay out of debt, that's all. One of the things the Lord may have me do here is to help another woman start a business. It's just a thought right now, but I'm praying for the right lady to come along if that's what God would have me to do.

For the last two weeks, Olivia and I have taken turns being sick. Fever and congestion are the extent of it, although one night a caffeine-withdrawal migraine kept me up, and two nights ago an ear ache that felt worse than giving birth. We are so seldom really sick, that in the beginning I had to really stop and think about what to do. I don't have pharmaceuticals in the house at all! We pulled out all my essential oils, made pots of lemon tea, kept the humidifier running, stocked up on fruit and canceled play dates. About 20 years ago a mother of three told me that the BRAT diet is great for sick kiddies: bananas, raisins, applesauce and toast.

Olivia is really into pretty dresses. She caught sight of two summery ones in her closet last week, so we pulled them out and she has been wearing them every day, all day long. She would sleep in them if I didn’t put my foot down. Our church in California sent us some totally girly girl dresses a couple of years ago, and at the time I truly thought we’d never take them off the hangers. We live in a cold climate, where the warmest summer day is usually in the ’70’s. But right now I’m looking at a foot of snow out our window, and she’s twirling around in the dress she wore for her birthday party in June. It might be too early to say, but my guess is that she has discovered her femininity. It has been a welcome turn of events from her other preference: zero clothing. She practices walking gracefully and curtsying day long, nurturing her stuffed animals and dolls, having tea parties, hugging me, and putting things in her hair. She is not getting it from me, the tripping, toe-stubbing clutz of the family who wears too much black and her hair in a bun.  My feet went out from under me on Sunday while I was cleaning snow off the car, and my long black coat and skirt and boots could not hide the fact I had been rolling around in it. Fortunately the snow made for a soft landing, and all that was hurt was my pride. It was a great way to start the Lord’s Day, as I could NOT stop laughing.

So that’s all the news that’s fit to print for this week. If you find any spare fru-fru fabric in your closet that you aren’t using, forward it to us here in Estonia, there’s a little missionary girl that will put it to good use!

Virtuous Woman Wordle

This is what I call a good use of technology! I love it. I don't know about you, but I have to keep God's words in front of me at all times. I'm trying to find ways, in fact, during these long winter months, to "write them upon the posts of thy house, and on thy gates," (Dueteronomy 6:9). A friend of mine and I have talked about the idea of having a "Scripture Art" party, where we get together and create simple but attractive wall-hangings of Scripture for our homes. I do love reading the Bible in the traditional manner, just by opening the book up, turning it's pages, feeling it's weight on my lap, praying and meditating. It's a book like no other. But once in a while a visual presentation of concepts expands my understanding, in the same way an illustration during a sermon does. This wordle of Proverbs 31 does that for me, and the bonus (for me) is that it is in my two fav colors, blue and green. Hope it's an encouragement to you like it was to me.

This small graphic is a link to the wordle.net gallery page.

 

Team Graziano (Family as Team)

My post this week is a rather high-level reflection on the social network of missionaries on a foreign field, and what my experience so far has taught me. It is by no means thoroughly researched; it is just one perspective in what I’m sure is a widely diverse body of thought and experience.

I used to be quite engaged with a stateside TV series called Survivor, where a bunch of strangers are stuck with each other in primitive living conditions for 39 days, and one by one people are voted out until there are only three left. A jury of former members then votes on which of those three wins the million dollars. The most common reason someone is voted out of the tribe is pride, and many admit it post-expulsion: the member gets overconfident, and thinks more of his or her value than what is good for the group, or than what everyone else perceives their value to be. Essentially, pride prevents the person from hearing or seeing the truth. I think of the Survivor experience often, especially when I start getting the feeling that my actions or thoughts are influenced by a bloated sense of who I am relative to everyone else.

The reason I bring this up is that for some time now I’ve had difficulty navigating the full scope of relationships with other missionaries on the field, and own up to my pride not letting me see and hear things differently. These are people who are of like faith and similar goals, loosely networked on the foreign field for practical reasons. I came to the field with a different background of experience, as I have spent most of my last 20 years in a cubicle and on teams in the workplace. It’s been quite the learning curve! I don’t have team meetings, cross-functional projects, inspirational company lunches or learning conferences, yearly evaluations, employee sensitivity or skills trainings, or any of the other organizational accoutrements of corporate life that develop relationships and skills in order to improve the bottom line and general health of the organization. All those skills I learned in my 20+ years in the workplace aren’t exactly relevant or useful. Missionaries are, in every sense of the word, independent, each has his/her own vision, and comes from a unique church culture that shapes the "how" and "why" and "with whom" they work. No one comes to the field expecting to work with someone else, and if they are in a partnership, it’s not for the long haul. So relationships are built on the shared culture of being American, sharing holiday meals, play dates for the kids, and passing along information. It has felt very superficial, when I come from a background of looking at everyone in terms of how synergy can be created, and where transparency is valued. And if I learned anything from my secondary degree, it's that values have to be shared for relationships to be effective. The boundary lines and values of others have not been clear to me, and I’ve only recently stumbled upon the fact that each missionary family is it’s own organization, in essence, and it is important to have a world view that positions yourself inside a family looking out. Not the other way around.

For example, one of the hardest things (for me) on the mission field is to not look at what other workers are doing. How is so-and-so is using strategy? How they are evangelizing, or reaping “souls” in the harvest? In the workplace, progress is largely dependent on relationships and implementing best practices. This could also be true for the typical American church community, or the humanitarian organization. For example, it’s standard to network in order to keep your career moving, and in most organizations, it is also a good practice to continually evaluate what others are doing, and compile lists and lists of Best Practices to apply where appropriate, in an effort to improve results.  Naturally, I’ve looked to apply the same operating principles as a wife, mom, and missionary, but with disappointing results! Transparency by a foreigner stands a good chance of being misinterpreted. Networking just isn’t a practical use of one’s time if no one else is doing it. Best Practices? Haven’t you read the Bible??

It’s been as exhausting as it ever was in the workplace, and for the record, this fourth year has been the hardest for me. I’ve dealt largely with feelings of failure on a weekly if not daily basis. In retrospect, I have been reaping what I’ve been sowing. Instead of looking to the Bible and trusting His wisdom on how to build and understand the church and it's purpose, I’ve relied on my own wisdom culled from 20+ years in the workplace. As a result, the comparisons I make between my work and someone else’s causes a great loss of confidence, because they are false comparisons. My experience and learning do count for something, but they aren’t the sole means to an end.  At the end of the day, what God is pleased with is a humble contrite spirit, and children who love each other and Him. Knowledge and application of Scripture is key. A missionary family who can’t co-exist with others is not functioning rightly, and is a serious blot on the foreign landscape. But take a family that is godly through and through, who loves all the brethren, and my observation is that they are successful “as an organization” on the foreign field.  They have what it takes to make an impact in people’s lives.

I praise the Lord for a husband who never ceases to use Scripture to help me through every valley. I hope he never stops quoting it. I have a godly mother and sister who are also quite good at throwing appropriate Scripture my way when I need to hear it. It is the one thing that pierces right though to my heart, through all the oppression that can envelope me, and with each passing year I do see how much stronger I grow because of the use of Scripture to encourage and help me. My guidebook should be the Bible, not the ever-growing body of wisdom, friendship, or experiences of others. My first priority should be to love and obey God, and to follow Christ’s example in all things, not to worry about what others are doing or thinking. I read Proverbs 3 last week. It’s wonderful. It actually says our lives will be full of good health, peace, direction, favor and understanding if we live a life of obedience and faith in accordance with the Scriptures, and if we lift up the name of Jesus. I aspire to that. I have also read Psalm 73 every day for nearly two weeks – I just can’t get enough of it! All of God’s glory is wrapped up in His Son, who is in Heaven, at the right hand of the Father, and so what really pleases God the Father is when we also become enraptured with Jesus His Son. That truth brings me such joy, such wonderful peace. I am so happy to know I’m going to heaven after this life. It is the only truth I’ve ever known that stirs hope in me, and it makes me want to paint “Heaven” on every wall in every room, so that I’m reminded of that hope wherever I look. When I shared recently with my husband my feelings of inadequacy, he brought my attention to Ephesians 1:6 “To the praise of the glory of his grace, wherein he hath made us accepted in the beloved.”  So maybe my batting average is dismal right now when it comes to accomplishing great things, but it encourages me that God still accepts me, that nothing I ever do or don’t do will change that simple truth. If you are wondering, I’m slowly building relationships, just in a different way now. I’m looking out for what’s good for my husband and daughter, keeping an eye and ear out for what works for us or not as a family, not for just me. It is helping my confidence to grow, perhaps because, for the first time, I’m treating my family as my true team, as if "we are crew, not members," (to quote the mission of a former employer, Expeditionary Learning Outward Bound).